Normal life

That was incredible. My dear, did you think you came back to the stable path? No way, not in this case.

There were a few days of silence. I wanted to break this and tell him how happy I am he's not in France were he could be in danger. What did I find out? During those days he had been mad at me, cause of 'something'. Stupid reason, as always. So we had a strong, deep conversation. But stupid as well. Conclusions: he doesn't see any sense in wanting to be together, he is far away from me, we cannot meet often, we are going to have thousands of misunderstandings again. I tryied to fight with his ''arguments''. No success. But mainly, I think it wasn't about arguments. He just decided. Nothing could change it. Were was the boy I used to be spending nights together on facebook, when we were both working abroad? Yes, that was another sleepless night spent on talking. But that was much different kind of conversation this time...

The most painful: I guess that was a goodbye chat.

I can say like Adele: ''At least I can say that I tried...''. Last Saturday night I tried everything. No effect. I give up. I seriously give up this time.

That was exactly the day when 6 months before he asked me first time to go with him to the mountains and our relation was started for good.

Again, half a year. All of my more serious relationships finish exactly after a half a year.

On Sunday night he sent me one message, when he was going to bed: ''Isn't your time gone?" (in the meaning my bed time). I replied simply: ''No way, I'm still very timeous''.

I can say that after that more last goodbye (we used to have a few goodbyes) I feel better then before. Cause I know there is no hope left. It helps a lot with healing.

Trying to catch up with all I should have said before

It is not like I am super confident, special etc... I have had a few relationships so far. I can compare this one with the other ones, also with some love stories of my best friends.
This one has been truely special. I have never felt like that.

And to be honest, I can't handle it. It truely overwhelms me.

That was the best love summer story the world has seen. Although it costed me thousands of emotions, sleepless nights, tears... It was the best story in my life. It was?

After bad words, misunderstanding, we met last Sunday. He suggested me he had forgotten about maaaany of situations we had together, like in conversations, about the words he and me said. It was sad.
It's like there are different, new us. I expected we were going to change ourselves during the summer. We really did.

The end? Not really. Cause there are still huge sparks between us. So many smiles. And hugs. And hands' touching. And eyes-contact. This cannot be pretended. We have a big problem with having honest conversations about feelings face to face, but our body moves cannot  cheat.

Monday morning he left to work abroad. 600 kms from here. He got there a job he hadn't expect to have and he has no idea how it's going to be now. They proposed to him to stay there, to finish studies there, have a family in there...

I don't know why I can't get him out of my head. I tried in September, when I was 1000 kms from him, when our contact was dead. But when I came back to the city, the same hour - we met by an accident. Everything collapsed... Later an exchange of a few more words. I was trying to forget, to heal myself... But he was still coming back. He dropped a small message. But that was enough to open wounds anew.

We hate each other, and we fell in love with each other... On Sunday he said he has a sickness, the sickness name is me.

Yesterday he contacted me immidiately to tell me about all that happened to him over there.


We are real friends. That's for sure. But will we ever be able to become someone else?...

A long story closed in short time about two lost people

How I regret I haven't kept you posted during all this summer paradise. That was a story no movie or a book has shown so far. Incredible. Full of emotions. From fascination, by expectancy, happiness, certainty, adoration to anger and even hatred... A lot of written words, said words, sleepless nights, just a few phone calls, movies made, an unexpected meeting, showing our real, not pretended emotions... A LOT of pain, trys of forgetting and moving on, constant coming back, fighting again, opening the wounds anew.
But all this dynamic moments ment there was really something.

Today, having here next to me my smartphone with your message being displayed, with your wishes of all the best for my future life (it's my birthday today) I am shaking again, although I crossed you with a thick line two weeks ago. Ah, you... Yes, I haven't written here for so long because I have been writing to you... When you didn't want to receive any words from me, I was creating messages for you simply, just putting them into Word files.

I will finally breath when there will be no lines connecting us, NO direct contact recommended...

Busy weeks

Yesterday, after a huge exchange of words hidden deeply indside us, we had a meeeting. The weather was amazing (after a few days of raining), we had a looong walk, watched the sunset...

It's too early to talk about it.
Too many thoughts on my mind.

Exams today, exam tomorrow... Still there is something happening!

Kinda clearer situation

Last night brought a long, deep conversation. Exchange of many thoughts, a lot of kind words were given off as well.
But... still nothing more. And now there is someone new, someone that has a big motivation to be dating with me and is a really real one...
I have never been a patient person. Waiting is too hard for me. Time goes by. Soon it might be too late...

Today I had a meeting with my dearest friends from Italy that came to my university city. I had such a lovely talk with them, there hugely kind people! They are being here for three weeks, for sure we will meet again. Even though I am having exams all the time. I need some time to rest from my books...
Also with the new one. He said he loves cider too. Just like me. I haven't drunk that for too long.

How feeling now? So many things have happened, so many things I could tell someone about...

A little about the pain inside

Absolutely, couldn't be worse in updating... So many new things have happened last months, but please, forgive me, right now there's no coming back to those things, I need to get actual stuff off my chest...

Met him by an accident, the main reason of our meeting - the mountains. Again something connected to the mountains... I don't really know if it's a blessing or a curse. An innocent conversation came to telling about our mountain trips, exchanging our experiences, even writing a stories about it with pictures enclosed...
Spontaneous conversations took place each day, on facebook of course. How I have been wishing to meet him face to face to be talking about all of this!... Once I suggested him our meeting. He said of course, but in such a weird way it was told... from me and from his side. I let go, changed the topic and moved on. But that night changed everything. There was no more such easy-going chats. Last time, on Friday - it was his birthday. I prepared two stories of my visits in Alps, hoping he could enjoy ones. And he did. Just... after that there is the silence. Yeah, it has been just two days, but after that his previous constant, spontaneous ''hey, I need to tell you something'' - it makes a big difference now.
I don't know what to think, I cannot text him first, not yet at least... We are both leaving for holidays to work abroad (not together, of course). So we aren't going to have time to meet during the summer. This means: if we don't meet in June, we aren't going to meet at all. That's what makes me want this appointment to happen sooner...

For you it might sound very stupid, I know...
I feel he is very independent and probably don't want to have anyone to distract him from all his goals.
But what's wrong in just exchanging our mountain experience? I just wanted to talk to him in real, just to feel what kind of person he is, this could help while talking by fb even later.

The problem is he is kinda cleverer than the others, it's like he read thousands of books and knows a lot about the world, has his own view at many aspects.
Stupid, I know, but so many things I would like to tell him right now... SO STUPID. I should definitely focus on my exams this month, my guests from Italy and my next month's departure to Green Island.

You know what's the worst in me? I like planning, I do too much of this!!! And later, when the plans cannot fullfil, I suffer a lot.

Blah. Thank you for letting me tell you about all my worries.

Have a good evening!

Too much of easy-going attitude

Pretty often I happen to be in difficult heart situations, when if you want to follow your feelings, you can easily hurt the other person. It's happening this time as well...

From the top: I had a date with a boy two weeks ago, we spent amazing about 7 hours together, mainly dancing (you realise? first date, clubbing at once) and need to admit I have never danced with anyone that well. I mean he was on my level. Usually, when I go to the party, I'm one of the best dancing girls, that's only for the music feeling, all because I love making music so that I can feel it deeply. We've got a perfect contact, it's so easy to talk to each other, we are open, honest... But he's a smoker, definitely is a part of a diffrent social group, if you know what I mean (in his young life he tried a lot of things, not only good things...). We met second time and after that I was sure I can promise him only a friendship (yes, I know how they hate this...), so I tried to give our relationship direction to rather friendly path, but when I wrote him about it, he told me it's fine, he will help me with finding the way to this real feeling - love... I forgot to mention that I also told him that after my last relationship I feel I so badly don't want another one. Just friends. I like having boys as friends, I always catch a good contact with them.
Yesterday we had our third date, when I was supposed to tell him about the lines and borders very clearly... Of course, I didn't at all. We were in the cinema, he kept giving me verbal and also words' signs that he likes me a lot. Due to the long film we didn't have too much time for talking yesterday. And I didn't become brave enough to destroy his perfect evening. Yes, for me it was an amazing one too, but I hate myself fot making him hoping.

Our next meeting is agreed after my exams. So it might be a few weeks... For that time, I'll be thinking how not to hurt him. I need to give him clear signs finally!!! God, please help. Such a big harm I can make to him...

This song describes what I should do........................

New hopes and chances

Yes, I know, a lot of time, but you are already used to that, right?

Three months of new semester behind me, a lot of parties, dancings, visits, dates, shopping... You know I broke my fears and even loved swimming classes? I go to swim with my friends as often as possible, yuuhu, tomorrow another try.

During that time, I met many new people, girls and boys as well,  even international boys... Finally I focused on my friends and on MYSELF. I was doing everything that I wanted, the only obstacle could have been a must: you need to study hard for a test.
Now, with a lot of experience, ideas and hopes I'm starting a new year. I met a wonderful man, who might be someone important in my life. The only problem is, that the other one, completely not in my style, is still texting me and even though I tryied to be suggesting him I'm not interested at all, everyday he needs to send me messages... Oh God, I need to be more strict, I guess.

It's always so exciting to wait for what a new year is going to bring... Hopefully, not too much of bad luck...

With love, xoxo