The end of an another month

Yeah, I know, after all there was no ''continue'' at all. I just couldn't talk about it. Thinking was too painful. I had exams, a few resits.

Ok,  a short note about the ''continuation''. He ran away abroad, leaving me here without any ''goodbye''. Not even a word. Ok, there came a lot of pain in my life, I can't deny.
Over a month later, in half of February I wrote him that I probably will never understand what happened. And then... He started explaining himself. But I stayed tough. Although he said he knows he is not good for me cause his psycho makes him changing too often, it was not enough for me.

He told me a lot about his current life although I wasn't answering or commenting his messages at all. At the end of his stories I told him he doesn't want to keep quiet as he says, he wants to speak. There was a silence for another week after that.

And then he started again, saying I was right, he wants to talk. He is planning to climb over 3000 meters and I am the only one he wants to know about it. Cause, over there, he will be thinking about me. But I stayed tough.

Another day. He said he was asking me last time to go to mountains with him. Ok, I asked him when but for that weekend (last weekend in fact) I had already planned mountains with other friends. But then I started to talk. Everything changed. Those are different types of conversations. Like, I would say, more adult ones. We know we are friends and we need to talk or meet to live normally. But we rather aren't able to live like a couple one day.

Last weekend with another boy in mountains (he tried to hang out with me for last three months) and my friend who I took there cause I haven't  seen her for a long time. It was ADORABLE. First of all: he is an amazing person. I could share my future with him. Have a stable life, with a lot of mountains at that (he is an alpinist).
Yesterday, after coming back, in the evening I met with the first one. We were sitting with an arm beside an arm, telling stories about our weekend's mountain adventures. That's how it ought to be. We have to be friends.

What have I notice? I look at him in totally different way. I'm not addicted at all.
I want to talk more with the super kind and smart boy from last weekend.

Stop being so addicted!!!

Dear God, I swear I will write a book about this whole story, it cannot be wasted.

So since our totally-breaking-up-conversation in November, we hadn't talked for three weeks. But during this time, he used to be sending me small messages, like links, movies etc. Sometimes I was answering with just a few words, sometimes not answering at all.

Finally, on weekend 4th-6th December there came my long-waited Mountain's Festival; three days full of mountain movies, lectures of world-wide known climbers etc. On Saturday he sent me a link with a programme of this Festival. I told him I know it very well, I am attending that. He was shocked. But that was about mountains, so not thinking a lot we started a fast conversation... By an accident he came back to us... But I told him he ended any of ''us'' during the chat in November. He explained it somehow, not really clever reason...
We were talking and came to the point we both still would like to be together... That was sick. After a while we decided it's just not possible 'cause we would still be fighting and his emotional side of life is not adult enough...
But of course, it wasn't the end...

After a few days I sent him a link to a mountain movie... We started to talk, he was drunk after a company meeting, so he was truely cute and honest, even proposing me a marriage...
Next night, another chat, and another one - the other, finished by his call... We were finally talking...

After a few days he went freak again and started to talk something stupid, in the end stopped talking at all.

So Christmas time came, I hated him. After Christmas he sent me a link again... I ignored it.
On 28th December, Monday, he sent me a message with a proposition to go with him and his friends to mountains... I agreed cheerfully but later I found out I cannot go, I have a serious internship's interview that day... But the same day, he invited me for the New Year's Eve organised by him and his flatmates...

To be continued...

Normal life

That was incredible. My dear, did you think you came back to the stable path? No way, not in this case.

There were a few days of silence. I wanted to break this and tell him how happy I am he's not in France were he could be in danger. What did I find out? During those days he had been mad at me, cause of 'something'. Stupid reason, as always. So we had a strong, deep conversation. But stupid as well. Conclusions: he doesn't see any sense in wanting to be together, he is far away from me, we cannot meet often, we are going to have thousands of misunderstandings again. I tryied to fight with his ''arguments''. No success. But mainly, I think it wasn't about arguments. He just decided. Nothing could change it. Were was the boy I used to be spending nights together on facebook, when we were both working abroad? Yes, that was another sleepless night spent on talking. But that was much different kind of conversation this time...

The most painful: I guess that was a goodbye chat.

I can say like Adele: ''At least I can say that I tried...''. Last Saturday night I tried everything. No effect. I give up. I seriously give up this time.

That was exactly the day when 6 months before he asked me first time to go with him to the mountains and our relation was started for good.

Again, half a year. All of my more serious relationships finish exactly after a half a year.

On Sunday night he sent me one message, when he was going to bed: ''Isn't your time gone?" (in the meaning my bed time). I replied simply: ''No way, I'm still very timeous''.

I can say that after that more last goodbye (we used to have a few goodbyes) I feel better then before. Cause I know there is no hope left. It helps a lot with healing.

Trying to catch up with all I should have said before

It is not like I am super confident, special etc... I have had a few relationships so far. I can compare this one with the other ones, also with some love stories of my best friends.
This one has been truely special. I have never felt like that.

And to be honest, I can't handle it. It truely overwhelms me.

That was the best love summer story the world has seen. Although it costed me thousands of emotions, sleepless nights, tears... It was the best story in my life. It was?

After bad words, misunderstanding, we met last Sunday. He suggested me he had forgotten about maaaany of situations we had together, like in conversations, about the words he and me said. It was sad.
It's like there are different, new us. I expected we were going to change ourselves during the summer. We really did.

The end? Not really. Cause there are still huge sparks between us. So many smiles. And hugs. And hands' touching. And eyes-contact. This cannot be pretended. We have a big problem with having honest conversations about feelings face to face, but our body moves cannot  cheat.

Monday morning he left to work abroad. 600 kms from here. He got there a job he hadn't expect to have and he has no idea how it's going to be now. They proposed to him to stay there, to finish studies there, have a family in there...

I don't know why I can't get him out of my head. I tried in September, when I was 1000 kms from him, when our contact was dead. But when I came back to the city, the same hour - we met by an accident. Everything collapsed... Later an exchange of a few more words. I was trying to forget, to heal myself... But he was still coming back. He dropped a small message. But that was enough to open wounds anew.

We hate each other, and we fell in love with each other... On Sunday he said he has a sickness, the sickness name is me.

Yesterday he contacted me immidiately to tell me about all that happened to him over there.


We are real friends. That's for sure. But will we ever be able to become someone else?...

A long story closed in short time about two lost people

How I regret I haven't kept you posted during all this summer paradise. That was a story no movie or a book has shown so far. Incredible. Full of emotions. From fascination, by expectancy, happiness, certainty, adoration to anger and even hatred... A lot of written words, said words, sleepless nights, just a few phone calls, movies made, an unexpected meeting, showing our real, not pretended emotions... A LOT of pain, trys of forgetting and moving on, constant coming back, fighting again, opening the wounds anew.
But all this dynamic moments ment there was really something.

Today, having here next to me my smartphone with your message being displayed, with your wishes of all the best for my future life (it's my birthday today) I am shaking again, although I crossed you with a thick line two weeks ago. Ah, you... Yes, I haven't written here for so long because I have been writing to you... When you didn't want to receive any words from me, I was creating messages for you simply, just putting them into Word files.

I will finally breath when there will be no lines connecting us, NO direct contact recommended...

Busy weeks

Yesterday, after a huge exchange of words hidden deeply indside us, we had a meeeting. The weather was amazing (after a few days of raining), we had a looong walk, watched the sunset...

It's too early to talk about it.
Too many thoughts on my mind.

Exams today, exam tomorrow... Still there is something happening!

Kinda clearer situation

Last night brought a long, deep conversation. Exchange of many thoughts, a lot of kind words were given off as well.
But... still nothing more. And now there is someone new, someone that has a big motivation to be dating with me and is a really real one...
I have never been a patient person. Waiting is too hard for me. Time goes by. Soon it might be too late...

Today I had a meeting with my dearest friends from Italy that came to my university city. I had such a lovely talk with them, there hugely kind people! They are being here for three weeks, for sure we will meet again. Even though I am having exams all the time. I need some time to rest from my books...
Also with the new one. He said he loves cider too. Just like me. I haven't drunk that for too long.

How feeling now? So many things have happened, so many things I could tell someone about...

A little about the pain inside

Absolutely, couldn't be worse in updating... So many new things have happened last months, but please, forgive me, right now there's no coming back to those things, I need to get actual stuff off my chest...

Met him by an accident, the main reason of our meeting - the mountains. Again something connected to the mountains... I don't really know if it's a blessing or a curse. An innocent conversation came to telling about our mountain trips, exchanging our experiences, even writing a stories about it with pictures enclosed...
Spontaneous conversations took place each day, on facebook of course. How I have been wishing to meet him face to face to be talking about all of this!... Once I suggested him our meeting. He said of course, but in such a weird way it was told... from me and from his side. I let go, changed the topic and moved on. But that night changed everything. There was no more such easy-going chats. Last time, on Friday - it was his birthday. I prepared two stories of my visits in Alps, hoping he could enjoy ones. And he did. Just... after that there is the silence. Yeah, it has been just two days, but after that his previous constant, spontaneous ''hey, I need to tell you something'' - it makes a big difference now.
I don't know what to think, I cannot text him first, not yet at least... We are both leaving for holidays to work abroad (not together, of course). So we aren't going to have time to meet during the summer. This means: if we don't meet in June, we aren't going to meet at all. That's what makes me want this appointment to happen sooner...

For you it might sound very stupid, I know...
I feel he is very independent and probably don't want to have anyone to distract him from all his goals.
But what's wrong in just exchanging our mountain experience? I just wanted to talk to him in real, just to feel what kind of person he is, this could help while talking by fb even later.

The problem is he is kinda cleverer than the others, it's like he read thousands of books and knows a lot about the world, has his own view at many aspects.
Stupid, I know, but so many things I would like to tell him right now... SO STUPID. I should definitely focus on my exams this month, my guests from Italy and my next month's departure to Green Island.

You know what's the worst in me? I like planning, I do too much of this!!! And later, when the plans cannot fullfil, I suffer a lot.

Blah. Thank you for letting me tell you about all my worries.

Have a good evening!

Too much of easy-going attitude

Pretty often I happen to be in difficult heart situations, when if you want to follow your feelings, you can easily hurt the other person. It's happening this time as well...

From the top: I had a date with a boy two weeks ago, we spent amazing about 7 hours together, mainly dancing (you realise? first date, clubbing at once) and need to admit I have never danced with anyone that well. I mean he was on my level. Usually, when I go to the party, I'm one of the best dancing girls, that's only for the music feeling, all because I love making music so that I can feel it deeply. We've got a perfect contact, it's so easy to talk to each other, we are open, honest... But he's a smoker, definitely is a part of a diffrent social group, if you know what I mean (in his young life he tried a lot of things, not only good things...). We met second time and after that I was sure I can promise him only a friendship (yes, I know how they hate this...), so I tried to give our relationship direction to rather friendly path, but when I wrote him about it, he told me it's fine, he will help me with finding the way to this real feeling - love... I forgot to mention that I also told him that after my last relationship I feel I so badly don't want another one. Just friends. I like having boys as friends, I always catch a good contact with them.
Yesterday we had our third date, when I was supposed to tell him about the lines and borders very clearly... Of course, I didn't at all. We were in the cinema, he kept giving me verbal and also words' signs that he likes me a lot. Due to the long film we didn't have too much time for talking yesterday. And I didn't become brave enough to destroy his perfect evening. Yes, for me it was an amazing one too, but I hate myself fot making him hoping.

Our next meeting is agreed after my exams. So it might be a few weeks... For that time, I'll be thinking how not to hurt him. I need to give him clear signs finally!!! God, please help. Such a big harm I can make to him...

This song describes what I should do........................

New hopes and chances

Yes, I know, a lot of time, but you are already used to that, right?

Three months of new semester behind me, a lot of parties, dancings, visits, dates, shopping... You know I broke my fears and even loved swimming classes? I go to swim with my friends as often as possible, yuuhu, tomorrow another try.

During that time, I met many new people, girls and boys as well,  even international boys... Finally I focused on my friends and on MYSELF. I was doing everything that I wanted, the only obstacle could have been a must: you need to study hard for a test.
Now, with a lot of experience, ideas and hopes I'm starting a new year. I met a wonderful man, who might be someone important in my life. The only problem is, that the other one, completely not in my style, is still texting me and even though I tryied to be suggesting him I'm not interested at all, everyday he needs to send me messages... Oh God, I need to be more strict, I guess.

It's always so exciting to wait for what a new year is going to bring... Hopefully, not too much of bad luck...

With love, xoxo

Short time, many changes

I found out it was a really long time since last time I wrote here...
So starting from the most important: I had wonderful time in France, was thinking a lot and finding everyday an argument on facebook that my boyfriend was creating - getting zero support, zero saying ''I miss you'', even more after two days of his being ''hugely offended'' by me and his not saying a word to me, I decided I have enough reasons to say ''it was nice but not exactly how I consider the relationship to look like''... Of course, he was keeping telling he doesn't understand a thing, he was doing his best, he loves me etc... And what? After almost a month since I broke up with him, I feel nothing I could call a longing! Yes, I can even tell I feel hugely relieved. No one is telling me what to do. He should take over his life and start being a responsible man. He has some problems with his studies because he didn't want to study last semester, he preffered to play Fifa games or watch tv... Yes, I was more like a man in this relationship, I was like 5 years older than he. If I should have a boyfriend, he needs to be responsible of his life, till then - I can live as a single, it is no problem for me, huh, I am just 20!!! I want to meet other people, not to be closed to the others like I was for last half a year...

Last month I travelled for my practical classes for studies into the mountains and last week - the seaside! It was an amazing time with my friends! And next week I am going to Switzerland again, I am so happy for it.

I can decide about my life like I want to. You can as well! Keep it on your mind everytime. Do not forget it is YOUR life...

New voyage

Dear Readers,
Again I totally messed up with writing here... This was caused by my really busy semester... Maaaaaany things were happening... I feel I need to throw it all out of me.

So I passed all my final exams on first dates again, only thank to God.
The whole 4 months I have been dating with the same boy. Of course, for such a long time, I could have noticed a lot of things: his advantages and disadvantages too... His being jealous leaded to our first argument... It seemed really serious and I thought it was the end. But I forgave it all and we went on together.
Next months: I could have felt he feels only more confident beside me and he trusted me hugely. This his trust to me let him to act very natural; for the first times I heard him swearing and I noticed in him... a child. A big, but still child... Playing computer games, enforcing me to treat lightly my family and be coming back to the city earlier and be leavig later, to spend time with him if he needed to stay there like I was his nanny and being veeery sad if I didn't do it... (normally, he comes back home weekly). And his fear of animals (which I adore, as you know)...
Very often I feel like I AM a man in this relationship, he seems to be so sensitive! When I am dressed very...hmm, womanly - he does not notice a thing (or at least is not saying a thing like: ''you look like so nice today!''). On the contrary - he often says unpleasant words about my body figure (''just joking'') - I work out regularly, I have a body of athlete - but those words really hurt.

Summing up, I notice his being totally unadult. But I got stuck, I cannot move from this place... His family knows a lot about me and wants to meet me someday, I could not leave him now, what would the family think about me... But on the other hand, I just DO NOT want to  be leaving him. But he totally needs to be more like a man... If only I could, I would send him to an army - there he would learn everything, that he is missing...
I do not know what to do...

In 2 days I am going to France for a month. Nowadays, I am having a speed course of French done by myself, heh. This is a difficult but beautiful language. I cannot wait to get there!
And I will have soooo much time to be thinking over the whole situation described above! This is a huge plus of this travel.

Cee ya soon!

Some thoughts

I decided it's high time to write here again, sorry for such a long break.
After 8 meetings, getting to know each other, hours of walking, talking, laughing, texting and chatting on facebook we're both just more sure it's going into right direction. I like His being next to me, I like when He's talking about what happened to Him that day, I like His smile, I like our first selfie-picture... We're not spending each moment together, it's not needed yet, we want this to go step by step, not too fast, so that we can be sure that's exactly what we want to have and who we want to be with. 


He doesn't know about me writing it all here, although I'm sure we would love to read it. Time after time I let Him feel that what I think about our relation and what I mentioned above.

It might be really amazing. Just no hurry, and God please take care of us, as You connected us together...



The song from when we were leaving the cinema after our first common cinema-show...

New beginning

Well, I think it's finally time to write u something about my life, u deserve it.
Last month was full of interesting episodes... Actually, even wonderful episodes, I can tell.
Last week I passed all my semestral final exams, I'm having holidays till the beginning of March.
But most important: I met a wonderful boy. It happened suddenly and is happening unbelievable fast... Last weekend - two meetings that were truely amazing, perfectly planned by Him. This Friday - Valentine's Day - we're gonna have a next one, a special one, I guess. I cannot get used to this situation, this is so wonderful but surprising at the same time...
It's so beautiful that I'm affraid I could distroy it somehow very easy, it makes me kinda paralised making each single step in this relation.
But I know only one thing: God connected us, it wasn't exactly a coincidence we met... And I know that He will be still helping us, whatever is gonna happen.

Cogitation

Well, lately I met a nice boy, he is kind, smart etc... But the thought of X came back to me again... I know it was looong time ago but... I met with X for a while on first days of my university in Oct. He wasn't alone, I wasn't alone, we just shared a look on the street from the distance. But after all those our conversations, I'm sure there still must be SOMETHING. Although I have met new nice boys and he must be knowing a few perfect girls too... Our relation wasn't nothing, it was lasting long. I'm so curious how he would feel now about me... I hope we could meet one day so that I could see his reaction and figure out it all what I'm wondering about...

Christmas break

So it's finally the end of university in this year. We've got christmas break. Time for tidying, baking and then spending time with my family... How not to love it? ♥

Anyway, I'm alreaady missing my classmates... But I know it will go away in a few days :)

How are u gonna spend ur Christmas?

An idea

Thinking of making new music videos! think it will happen this Christmas break.

Can't wait to show u this!

xoxo

Snowy sunday

On Friday it snowed a little bit, now it's cold outside like -4C, sun is shining... Beautiful!

Very intensive two weeks are coming, but after that: almost 3 weeks of being at home, with family, friends etc. 

Last week I got 100 % of Math exam. Yes, ME! :D

Muy talented girl:

December

Last week - party after party. A lot of cheer and exams - fun is a good way to be better focused on learing - the less time u have for it, the faster u do it.

Since today - Advent, so now parties are out, they are coming back in less than a month, while I'll be studying hard using my time and getting prepared for coming of Jesus Baby. :)

I love my friends, I need to tell again. They make all of my days!

PS. And I really love Imagine Dragons, they are really the best! I still remember the show they made on MTV EMA... 

Party shakers

One night, a lot of people, a lot of fun, dancing, cheer, music... Boys dancing with me who wanted to get to know me, while they weren't my style.
So many smiles. So many ones from one boy. His constant passing me, smiling, touching my hand in the crowd... Beautiful blue eyes... Too much embarassment.

Now: perfect memories, hopingg for nothing as NOTHING can happen although I made everything to find Him. So sad but true :/

Next party after the Christmas? Can't wait for the next time when I'm disappointed.