The end of an another month

Yeah, I know, after all there was no ''continue'' at all. I just couldn't talk about it. Thinking was too painful. I had exams, a few resits.

Ok,  a short note about the ''continuation''. He ran away abroad, leaving me here without any ''goodbye''. Not even a word. Ok, there came a lot of pain in my life, I can't deny.
Over a month later, in half of February I wrote him that I probably will never understand what happened. And then... He started explaining himself. But I stayed tough. Although he said he knows he is not good for me cause his psycho makes him changing too often, it was not enough for me.

He told me a lot about his current life although I wasn't answering or commenting his messages at all. At the end of his stories I told him he doesn't want to keep quiet as he says, he wants to speak. There was a silence for another week after that.

And then he started again, saying I was right, he wants to talk. He is planning to climb over 3000 meters and I am the only one he wants to know about it. Cause, over there, he will be thinking about me. But I stayed tough.

Another day. He said he was asking me last time to go to mountains with him. Ok, I asked him when but for that weekend (last weekend in fact) I had already planned mountains with other friends. But then I started to talk. Everything changed. Those are different types of conversations. Like, I would say, more adult ones. We know we are friends and we need to talk or meet to live normally. But we rather aren't able to live like a couple one day.

Last weekend with another boy in mountains (he tried to hang out with me for last three months) and my friend who I took there cause I haven't  seen her for a long time. It was ADORABLE. First of all: he is an amazing person. I could share my future with him. Have a stable life, with a lot of mountains at that (he is an alpinist).
Yesterday, after coming back, in the evening I met with the first one. We were sitting with an arm beside an arm, telling stories about our weekend's mountain adventures. That's how it ought to be. We have to be friends.

What have I notice? I look at him in totally different way. I'm not addicted at all.
I want to talk more with the super kind and smart boy from last weekend.

Stop being so addicted!!!

Dear God, I swear I will write a book about this whole story, it cannot be wasted.

So since our totally-breaking-up-conversation in November, we hadn't talked for three weeks. But during this time, he used to be sending me small messages, like links, movies etc. Sometimes I was answering with just a few words, sometimes not answering at all.

Finally, on weekend 4th-6th December there came my long-waited Mountain's Festival; three days full of mountain movies, lectures of world-wide known climbers etc. On Saturday he sent me a link with a programme of this Festival. I told him I know it very well, I am attending that. He was shocked. But that was about mountains, so not thinking a lot we started a fast conversation... By an accident he came back to us... But I told him he ended any of ''us'' during the chat in November. He explained it somehow, not really clever reason...
We were talking and came to the point we both still would like to be together... That was sick. After a while we decided it's just not possible 'cause we would still be fighting and his emotional side of life is not adult enough...
But of course, it wasn't the end...

After a few days I sent him a link to a mountain movie... We started to talk, he was drunk after a company meeting, so he was truely cute and honest, even proposing me a marriage...
Next night, another chat, and another one - the other, finished by his call... We were finally talking...

After a few days he went freak again and started to talk something stupid, in the end stopped talking at all.

So Christmas time came, I hated him. After Christmas he sent me a link again... I ignored it.
On 28th December, Monday, he sent me a message with a proposition to go with him and his friends to mountains... I agreed cheerfully but later I found out I cannot go, I have a serious internship's interview that day... But the same day, he invited me for the New Year's Eve organised by him and his flatmates...

To be continued...

Normal life

That was incredible. My dear, did you think you came back to the stable path? No way, not in this case.

There were a few days of silence. I wanted to break this and tell him how happy I am he's not in France were he could be in danger. What did I find out? During those days he had been mad at me, cause of 'something'. Stupid reason, as always. So we had a strong, deep conversation. But stupid as well. Conclusions: he doesn't see any sense in wanting to be together, he is far away from me, we cannot meet often, we are going to have thousands of misunderstandings again. I tryied to fight with his ''arguments''. No success. But mainly, I think it wasn't about arguments. He just decided. Nothing could change it. Were was the boy I used to be spending nights together on facebook, when we were both working abroad? Yes, that was another sleepless night spent on talking. But that was much different kind of conversation this time...

The most painful: I guess that was a goodbye chat.

I can say like Adele: ''At least I can say that I tried...''. Last Saturday night I tried everything. No effect. I give up. I seriously give up this time.

That was exactly the day when 6 months before he asked me first time to go with him to the mountains and our relation was started for good.

Again, half a year. All of my more serious relationships finish exactly after a half a year.

On Sunday night he sent me one message, when he was going to bed: ''Isn't your time gone?" (in the meaning my bed time). I replied simply: ''No way, I'm still very timeous''.

I can say that after that more last goodbye (we used to have a few goodbyes) I feel better then before. Cause I know there is no hope left. It helps a lot with healing.

Trying to catch up with all I should have said before

It is not like I am super confident, special etc... I have had a few relationships so far. I can compare this one with the other ones, also with some love stories of my best friends.
This one has been truely special. I have never felt like that.

And to be honest, I can't handle it. It truely overwhelms me.

That was the best love summer story the world has seen. Although it costed me thousands of emotions, sleepless nights, tears... It was the best story in my life. It was?

After bad words, misunderstanding, we met last Sunday. He suggested me he had forgotten about maaaany of situations we had together, like in conversations, about the words he and me said. It was sad.
It's like there are different, new us. I expected we were going to change ourselves during the summer. We really did.

The end? Not really. Cause there are still huge sparks between us. So many smiles. And hugs. And hands' touching. And eyes-contact. This cannot be pretended. We have a big problem with having honest conversations about feelings face to face, but our body moves cannot  cheat.

Monday morning he left to work abroad. 600 kms from here. He got there a job he hadn't expect to have and he has no idea how it's going to be now. They proposed to him to stay there, to finish studies there, have a family in there...

I don't know why I can't get him out of my head. I tried in September, when I was 1000 kms from him, when our contact was dead. But when I came back to the city, the same hour - we met by an accident. Everything collapsed... Later an exchange of a few more words. I was trying to forget, to heal myself... But he was still coming back. He dropped a small message. But that was enough to open wounds anew.

We hate each other, and we fell in love with each other... On Sunday he said he has a sickness, the sickness name is me.

Yesterday he contacted me immidiately to tell me about all that happened to him over there.


We are real friends. That's for sure. But will we ever be able to become someone else?...

A long story closed in short time about two lost people

How I regret I haven't kept you posted during all this summer paradise. That was a story no movie or a book has shown so far. Incredible. Full of emotions. From fascination, by expectancy, happiness, certainty, adoration to anger and even hatred... A lot of written words, said words, sleepless nights, just a few phone calls, movies made, an unexpected meeting, showing our real, not pretended emotions... A LOT of pain, trys of forgetting and moving on, constant coming back, fighting again, opening the wounds anew.
But all this dynamic moments ment there was really something.

Today, having here next to me my smartphone with your message being displayed, with your wishes of all the best for my future life (it's my birthday today) I am shaking again, although I crossed you with a thick line two weeks ago. Ah, you... Yes, I haven't written here for so long because I have been writing to you... When you didn't want to receive any words from me, I was creating messages for you simply, just putting them into Word files.

I will finally breath when there will be no lines connecting us, NO direct contact recommended...

Busy weeks

Yesterday, after a huge exchange of words hidden deeply indside us, we had a meeeting. The weather was amazing (after a few days of raining), we had a looong walk, watched the sunset...

It's too early to talk about it.
Too many thoughts on my mind.

Exams today, exam tomorrow... Still there is something happening!

Kinda clearer situation

Last night brought a long, deep conversation. Exchange of many thoughts, a lot of kind words were given off as well.
But... still nothing more. And now there is someone new, someone that has a big motivation to be dating with me and is a really real one...
I have never been a patient person. Waiting is too hard for me. Time goes by. Soon it might be too late...

Today I had a meeting with my dearest friends from Italy that came to my university city. I had such a lovely talk with them, there hugely kind people! They are being here for three weeks, for sure we will meet again. Even though I am having exams all the time. I need some time to rest from my books...
Also with the new one. He said he loves cider too. Just like me. I haven't drunk that for too long.

How feeling now? So many things have happened, so many things I could tell someone about...